Author
(To the tune of your favourite Britpop classic—think Oasis, Blur, or Pulp!)
Verse 1: The Mortgage Blues
Oh, I woke up today with a dream in my head,
A place of my own, a home with a bed.
But the bank man says, 'You need 10% down,'
Or you’ll be stuck renting in this overpriced town.
Chorus: Loan-to-Value Love
How much can I borrow, oh tell me today?
Four times my income or six if I pray?
Fixed rate or tracker, oh which one’s the key?
I'm drowning in jargon, someone help me!
Verse 2: The Credit Score Shuffle
Checked my score, oh what do I see?
A number so low, it's laughing at me.
They say pay your bills, don’t max out your card,
But saving’s a joke when life is this hard.
Bridge: The Self-Employed Struggle
If you work for yourself, it’s a bitter pill,
Proving your earnings is a tough uphill.
Two years of accounts, a tax form or two,
They scrutinize everything you ever do.
Verse 3: Hidden Fees Heartache
Stamp duty, surveys, the legal fees too,
They all add up, oh what can you do?
You think you’re sorted, then BAM! There's more,
It’s a never-ending cash trap war.
Chorus: Loan-to-Value Love (Reprise)
How much can I borrow, oh tell me today?
Four times my income or six if I pray?
Fixed rate or tracker, oh which one’s the key?
I'm drowning in jargon, someone help me!
Outro: The Homeownership Dream
But one day soon, I’ll get the keys,
Open the door, drop to my knees.
A mortgage, a house, my very own space,
No landlord, no rent—just my happy place!
So keep on saving, don’t give in yet,
One day you’ll win the mortgage bet!
